Centralizing Men...In This Economy?

As I was getting a haircut and using my barber as a therapist, he asked if I was dating after I proudly slipped my separation into the conversation. My answer was riddled with strong no's and hand gestures to match. He asked if I was in my man-hating season. I could confidently answer that question with a no. As I pondered the question later that night, I confirmed that I did indeed answer the question correctly. I am not in a man-hating season, but I am in a season of decentering men.

Most modern women enter this era at some point in their lives. The sentiment is not new, but having a word to define it is. I have seen this era come after life changes, some traumatic, such as heartbreak and death, and some come after marriage and childbirth, which can also be traumatic. No matter what brings this era on, I have never seen a woman revert to centering men. She may have another relationship or several, she may remarry, but I have never seen her dive back into the depths of centering a man. She keeps herself in the midst of the relationship. She keeps her hobbies, her interests, her friends, her career, her life.

What is "Decentralizing Men"

TikTok was my first introduction to this term. I immediately understood it without researching. I let it marinate until this exact moment in my life.

A woman who centers men makes personal and life choices with the anticipation of what men think and how they may or may not respond to those choices. Men are more often than not lingering around the psyche of a male-centered woman. She desires to impress, not because she has any relation to the man, but because he is a man.

Decentralizing men happens when the concern of men float off a woman's subconscious, and there is freedom in movement. I am not saying that you do not care for or have empathy for a man. I am describing how a woman allows the thoughts of men to dictate how she moves, what she wears, and how she presents herself.

There is a fine line between decentralizing men and bitter man-hating. If you are not careful, a slight blow of disgust can put you in the latter category. And no one wants the bitter title.

Steps to Decentralizing Men

How do we decentralize men without crossing that fine line into bitter territory? Starting with honesty and acceptance, then moving into resets and reframing. It is hard to be honest that some of your important decisions were not made because of your personal wants and desires. They were made due to the actions or inactions of a man. It takes heart-set shifts to accept the things you have settled for, didn't take action on, or took action on with a male-centred mindset.

After the honesty and acceptance, it is time to reset and reframe. Once mistakes have been accounted for, release and reset your perspective. This is the time to create new boundaries for those males still in your life. With boundaries in place, focus on you. Find new hobbies or revisit things that you once loved. Take note of when that old mindset shifts in and you begin seeking a man. Learn to understand that men should be a healthy addition to you and your life. A man or a relationship should not consume you or your thoughts.

Know that this takes time. It is not a switch; this is undoing years of conditioning and programming. The best step to decentralizing men is to prioritize yourself. Get to know who you are outside of a relationship or thoughts of a relationship. Give the hopeless romantic in you some time off and fall in love with yourself.

What My Decentralizing Men Looks Like

I will be focusing on God, my daughter, and getting back to a few hobbies I wasn't consistent with during my marriage. I want to make it clear that it wasn't my ex's fault that I let some things and even myself go. There were several moving pieces to the reasons why I wasn't focused on myself, but one was the constant thinking and overthinking about his responses to my hobbies, interests, and even my goals. As my husband, his opinions and thoughts mattered, but I lost myself in trying to appease him without taking my own feelings and wants into consideration. Once this was realized, I had to make some unpleasant decisions.

For the next chapter, I have decided to curate a life for my baby and me that is full of God, love, and honesty. All without male-centered actions or thoughts. Full freedom of movement.